More of my Thoughts on Death

Today I took the kids to the park to play for a while but we also did some school work today. The boy's seem to do better when they are doing school work and know what's coming next and what not. The boy's didn't mind too much doing it. It gave them something to do in this heat ugh!!

Other than that we haven't done much today. It's sticky hot hear again so not much you can do. It has rained some here which didn't help the humidity but I think it will rain more soon. Tomorrow is Laundry day so not much for tomorrow planned either LOL.

Since getting all the feed back on my last post I have been thinking more on the subject of death. I too like everyone posted here don't really want to die before my children are grown but then I know Harlow would do what he had to do. He may have to put them in school and do things we might not have done if I lived but I know he would do what he felt is right for our boy's. I know it would be hard for him but I know he could do it. I have faith that he would pull through if not only for the boys! He's a good dad. Sure he has his impatient moments with the boy's (but then so do I) but he's always been there for them and been an active part of their lives. So I am confident he would do well with the boy's if I were to die.

Now I do have to say I am afraid of if the boy's were to die before me. I can't even imagine that. I pray to God everyday that I won't have to live through that. I know other's have and have found some way to live on but I don't know if I could be that strong. I pray to God I never have to find out. I can't even watch a show where something happens to a child or a child dies without balling my eyes out. This I know would be the hardest thing I could ever go through. What any mother could go through. I know ultimately they would be in God's hands and that is the best place for them but it would be very hard for me to go through. Only through God's grace would I ever get through.

The worst thing I had to do was when I found our Harlow's dad had killed himself. Harlow was at work and I had just heard from a neighbor from their scanner. I had to call him and tell him what happened. Someone had already told him but I didn't know that so I remember getting on the phone and not knowing what to say or do. I finally just broke down and told him and he said he knew and we both cried on the phone. I went immediately to pick him up from work and then went to find out more about what happened. This was just a few weeks (3 or 4) before we were to be married.

When Harlow's mom was dying of cancer I knew Harlow couldn't take care of his mother. Not because he didn't want to but because I knew how hard it was for him. I had been a nurses aid in a nursing home just a year or so before so I knew what had to be done. So his sister, brother's and I all took turns taking care of her as she was passing away from breast cancer that spread to her brain. I remember she was in so much pain and I know it was hard on her to have everyone take care of her when she was used to being the one taking care of people. At one time she too was a Nurses Aid.

I remember the day before she died I had taken Chord (he was a little over 2 and 1/2) to see her because I knew the time was coming and they were close. I hadn't taken him over before that because she had gotten worse and though I didn't want to hide it from him I didn't want to totally scare him. But I knew she was going soon so I wanted him to be able to say goodbye to his Nana (Jarod was just a baby and she had seen more of him anyway). So I took him over and she even had a smile for him which she hadn't done in a month or so. Of course Chord was a little scared but he was able to say goodbye. The next day is when we got the call from Harlow's Sister that she had passed away. So though it was a hard and sad death it was also a good experience. I even took Chord to the funeral and talked to him about death and let him ask questions and had even let him see me cry. It was truly amazing what children understand. I think having Chord really helped us all get through that hard time and at least with Harlow's mom we were able to say goodbye.

I know I am being morbid again LOL but it's been on my mind and I wanted to share my stories with everyone about my fears and about what I have experienced in my own life. It has been a hard road but it's also brought us to where we are and I have learned even death can be a beautiful thing. Does that make sense?!

Just Some Thoughts of Mine

I don't have anything to really post today. We went to church and then we went to see if my bil and sil were home but they weren't. So we went to Harlow's mom and dad's grave and visited there. We walked around the cemetery too. There were some really old ones too. Kind of sad though because some of them were so old you couldn't read what it said or they were falling down. No one to take care of them. I wonder what could be done for those ones. You know they were loved at one time and it's just sad to see them falling apart.

While we were looking at all the different headstones we saw some that were babies and still others that were in their teens. Jarod looks down at them and says "I don't like it when babies die mom." I told him I didn't either. I know it might sound odd but I like looking through all the headstones. I imagine what their lives were like. Some even had their pictures on them.

I have told Harlow many times that when I die I don't want to be buried. I want to be cremated. I don't know exactly why I feel that way I just do. I have told him too that I don't want a big service or anything either. If family and friends want to get together and remember me that's ok. They can have a big party or something. I don't want them to be sad but I know they will be. I want people to remember my life not the sadness of my death.

Hmm this post has become a morbid post hasn't it? Sorry about that. Just going to there made me think of these things. It's funny how when I was younger I was afraid of death but now that I am older (yes I know 32 isn't old LOL) I am not afraid any more. I am thinking it's more because of my Faith now then me getting older. Maybe it's both who knows.